If I Were A Boy…

Photo by Drop the Label Movement on Unsplash

There are so many women who wish they could have been born as boys. Not because genetically or humanly, there are any better benefits of being male, rather, to enjoy the very things society has normalised for men and made abnormal for us women. As legend performer Beyonce signs “if I were boy…”

Well, if I were a boy, here’s a list of things that we— womyn —would do and capitalise on:

  1. I’d be my boss’ favourite and have access to being called upon to be the hero and resell ideas already pitched by the women in my office.
  2. I’d be comfortable leaving my house without have my bath knowing fully well that I smell. But whatever, I’m a man, hygiene wasn't made for me. No brushing, bathing, or cleaning my ass.
  3. I’d use my male privilege and male power to shit on women because I can. No further explanations.
  4. I’d be committing crimes of opportunity. How lovely to wake up in the morning, walk to work and decide to rape and kill someone because I can and there was a brick available. No thoughts, no human feelings, just murder on my mind!
  5. I’d shame men for being feminists. How can they willingly leave the safety and comfort of the bro code to support women?
  6. This is one I’l enjoy—insulting women who are feminists and women in general, just because I am superior and ruler of all.
  7. I’d watch football as though my life depended on it then bash anyone who doesn't, keeping in mind that I shame other groups of people for watching other things. Hypocrisy comes with being a man anyway so…
  8. I’d be unapologetic about my anger and rage. It’s nothing emotional or hormonal, like womyn, it’s just men being men and showing our superiority and attitude.
  9. I’d use religion as an excuse to commit crimes against women. After all, when a religious guy rapes a woman, people still forgive him and never renounce their religion or their God? No one says ‘Oh no, this man has made a mockery of my religion, he has given a bad name to us, I better just renounce my faith’.
  10. I’d walk alone, unbothered all day everyday. The bliss to wake up by 9pm and take a walk to clear my head.

There are a million other things to do, like peeing on the road, apply for jobs I am clearly not qualified for, talking over all women, feeling entitled to a woman’s life, cooking, ovaries, bodies, and being angry when not served, submitted to or having my wife take my name. I just have to remember that it is a man’s world and yippee, life is sweet!

While here, if you’re a writer, reader, 9–5er, freelancer, entrepreneur, and in-fact human, please subscribe to my bi-monthly newsletter here, I cannot wait to meet you.




Novelist, poet, and editor. Academic in the making. Purchase my books here—http://stephanieodili.com/books/

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Stephanie Chizoba Odili

Stephanie Chizoba Odili

Novelist, poet, and editor. Academic in the making. Purchase my books here—http://stephanieodili.com/books/

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