Admitting My Fat-phobia, Forgiving Myself And Embracing A New Life
On the 14th of September 2018, I weighed 52kg— a size 6/8 young woman who ate five times a day. That same day I inserted the 68mg Implant Etonogestrel as a birth control method, completely oblivious of what lay ahead. And for the next 19 months, my life changed. I experienced the highest and worst form of bodily, mental and social changes. All the ‘1 in 1000 statistics’ that I thought could never be me, turned out to be me. My period stopped for a year and I was having constant migraines. If I did see any blood, it’ll be spotting for days, or it’ll be a one time large amount of blood coming out from my vagina—as though I fell and cut myself. And the plot twist: prior to inserting this birth control, I was a heavy menstrual bleeder, like 5–10 days period(depending on my body’s mood).
THE JOURNEY OF 19 MONTHS
I put in the implant to; prevent pregnancy, and to regulate my hormones to stop the bleeding (unknown to me that the bleeding was just fibroid in hiding). The birth control (bc) controlled growth of the fibroid but it dealt with me. I was so depressed, angry, and emotionally uncontrollable. No, literally, I had no control over my emotions. One minute I’m crying and wishing to end it all, and by the next, I am quiet and smiling to myself. I went through hell. The constant nausea, skin discolouration (around my neck, forehead, back and legs) sweating, fatigue, insomnia. My friends knew me as the ‘sleep at whatever time and wake by 2am’. And lastly, at the time I took it out, I weighed 85kg. For someone like me who was used to being light, I struggled to wake up from bed. Majorly because I was depressed, and also because my feet was so swollen. My feet, nose, face and breasts went from 0–100, I had different kinds of vaginal infections due to on and off ph balance, etc. My sex drive went from 120/100 to 12/100. Everything was an irritating turn off.
After I took out the implants in Sept 2019, I thought all would be well. However, fibroid dealt with me. By October 19, I inserted the sayana press on my right thigh (to control the fibroid growth) which lasted until Jan 2020 (and I was warned greatly not to get on another one, for at least one year). By the time the bc was out, the fibroid issues started again. But on God, I’d had my last straw and for the first time, I actually knelt down in church crying my heart out as my pastor told me I was healed. I went for a scan and was told that the submuscous fibroid seems to have just ‘dissolved’. It was a new year miracle. God’s gift to me. I am eternally happy. Why? To remove this fibroid, it’ll need to be a vaginal survey (based on the location) and it reduced conception chances to 20:80. Yet, non surgically, the fibroid was gone, praise be to God. Although, I still feel so much sadness about this current hormonal imbalance. Since February.
On some days, I fasted for the entire 24 hours, starved myself, obsessed over why I wasn’t burning any actual weight, smoked too much, I thought I’d die. I ran 5 kilometres some days, other days I danced for hours non-stop, I ran on treadmills, tried out all kinds of diets, and I lost myself while gaining ulcer and more weight. In addition, I bled so much. Alas, there’s no way out. I died and thought I’d never be desirable, happy or look like the image I’d fantasised in my head, the one my mother had made me grow up to believe. I also reached out to tens of IG vendors, willing to do all in my power to get surgery or a magic product (Women who do this are amazing and I adore your courage so much. Thank you for showing that we have another choice other then ‘accepting’ who you are. Please note that this does not make you a bad feminist —Fiyin patiently taught me that). The insecurity had now reached peak level 90/100. I knew that it was just a matter of time and I would completely become a shadow of myself, loathing my reflection and projecting this hate unto my husband, who has tried everyday in the last two years to help me. I was angry at my partner for so long, blaming him for getting the birth control, envious of him that he slept peacefully while insomnia, a crazy side effects of this drug kept me up — hungry, in pain and miserable. (Want to why men don’t go through all these? Well, MedicalNewsToday wrote that “Women are at risk of developing different types of hormonal imbalance disorders than men because they have different endocrine organs and cycles.”)
I do not want to talk about the counsellor I met who told me it was my lack of faith in Jesus that ruined that. Speaking of, my spiritual and christian faith had gone on an all time low. I asked myself everyday how a God who says he loves me so much he died for me, was watching me die slowly everyday. I could not pray or allow myself to do so. Not until that day in church, and a month after. By March, the issues of lack of faith and emotional balance crept in. And as fickle as my health was, so was my faith. I am still struggling. I purposely skip over a Godly song, avoid church when I know I need to listen to that sermon. I distance myself from church community. But not anymore. I pledged my life to serve in the children’s minister this year and that I’ll do. Teaching them that God is love. And if God lives inside you, then you are loved. Your body, soul and mind is love. I know God has a plan; as unclear to us as it may seem.
TODAY
It is Easter Monday, the 13th of April 2020, and God gave me a divine gift — that of self healing. Today, as I write this, I am new. My fat phobia, low self esteem and bodily insecurities were buried with Christ. He sent to me my siblings, friends, husband, and notably Fiyin & Somto to save me from drowning. Through their eyes, I saw the hypocrisy in me highlight itself day after day. I felt years of abuse and trauma, all under 2 years. I realised that my ‘fatness’ was so irrelevant. As small as I was, I felt so disgusting. Fat-phobia had reached 100%.I confess that my fat phobia has made the past 19 months hell for me.
I am no longer 52kg.
I am no longer a size 6/8
I am no longer the woman who used to think being slim made me desirable and more beautiful.
I am no more the slim, sexy women who pitied the fat women being shamed, yet secretly prayed not to end up that way. I feel ashamed of it but that is the truth. Now, my ‘deepest fears’ (and that of my mother) has come true. My breasts are sagged, my skin is tough and hard. The ass slaps I get these days are hurting because of the thickness of my skin (all major side effects), my stomach constantly looks like I’m 5months pregnant (very round and swollen) and my face is as full as cheese cake. But, I choose to see it differently as from today.
I say now that my stomach is like my vagina; able to stretch out, to hold, to bleed and then go right back to its form. My body has stretched and now, has taken a form that promises to love me if I love it back. My body has promised me it’ll keep stretching and reforming until I die. When I sit down, my stomach doesn’t fold as you’ll imagine. It stiffens, and maintains the round, pregnancy signature look, blocking sight to my vagina. When standing, it blocks my toes. Today, I embrace it. I let go of the person/woman I was from Dec 1996-Apr 2020. I accept this new phase of my life, that comes with a new body. I will own myself and love what I look like and represent. I will teach us to do same.
Today, I am embracing love, body, rolls. I am accepting the new kind of beauty I possess. I touch gently all the body parts of mine that reproduced itself — my chin, cheeks, arm, neck, back of head, side stomach, armpit and knee. I gently stroke my black stretch marks that run from my upper inner thighs to the back of my knee. I softly touch my asymmetrical lips and large nose, and run it all the way through my saggy Double Ds. I embrace all that now, in addition to the parts I love — my smile, my hands, my eyes, my heart. A new day has come. I am officially freeing myself from this misery and promising to be good to myself. It will be hard, but the new found self love will make it easy. And with God and good community around me, Stephanie will thrive.
CONCLUSION
My feminism taught me a life lesson — unlearning fat phobia — and owning my post birth control body no matter what.
I am 75kg
I am a size 10/12
I am beautiful.
I will start taking pictures of myself. I will start professing to myself a litany of praises. I will practice mindfulness meditation. I will start running (treadmill/road) for 1 hour everyday. I want to keep fit and steady in my new body. I want to learn to carry myself and get used to the weight that is me. For the depression, anxiety, nausea and dizziness, I’ll get on medication & multivitamins for that. Every day from now is about to be beautiful. Because I am, and more importantly, because I feel so.
I am available for conversations, cries and communion, just email stephanieodilibooks@gmail.com.
